Monday, January 23, 2006

a little more explicit

If you're wondering what that last post was about...

I saw a man fire a gun Friday night. I was standing outside Mona's, a bar on Amsterdam Avenue between 108th and 109th, smoking a cigarette when I heard a loud crack. It was very loud--I felt it as much as I heard it. I looked across the street and saw a man in profile. He had his arms straight out at a downward angle. The gun looked like a 9mm. I saw and heard three or four more shots in quick succession. With each report, a skinny flame arose from the back of the gun. This, apparently, is the muzzle flash.

It was difficult to perceive this as it was happening. One, I had never seen anything like it. Two, it happened very quickly. Three, fear.

He almost seemed to be jumping up and down as he shot. I could sense his adrenaline, like he had been psyching himself up to do something for a long time and suddenly found himself doing it. You know how some people get when Bob Barker calls them down to play on The Price is Right? That's how this guy seemed to feel about the fact that he was trying to kill someone.

When he finished shooting, his eyes were wild. He jumped and turned. So much adrenaline he could hardly keep himself from falling over. He ran up Amsterdam, across 109th, then bumped into someone on the sidewalk and fell down. I couldn't tell if this was his accomplice, a stranger, or someone trying to stop him. He stood up and sprinted east on 109th. I had forgotten my phone, so I asked my friend, who had also seen this, to call 911.

I immediately filled with disgust for the shooter and concern for the victim. However, I couldn't tell if there was a victim. I had seen the shooter between two parked cars, and I couldn't see who he was shooting at. My jaw hung, and I walked into the street, intending to check on the victim. Then I looked behind me, and saw lots of people lying flat on the ground behind a van. (The thought that the shooter would have wanted to shoot me for witnessing everything didn't cross my mind until two days later. He didn't notice me, though.)

About 30 seconds after the shooting, a police car tore down Amsterdam Avenue toward 109th. I walked across the street and found no one and nothing. No victim, no blood, no shells. It was as if nothing had happened.

I was really pissed off that someone would do that. And with such apparent glee. I wrote the last post when I got home about 8 hours later after staying up all night.

Anyway, from what I could piece together from talking to the cops afterward, someone--possibly a bystander--took a bullet in the side and was not hurt too badly. Whatever happened before the shooting resulted in someone getting stabbed in or around the eye, and there may have been a carjacking.

I saw Cronenberg's A History of Violence the next night.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

NO YOU DON'T

YOU DON'T FIRE A GUN

YOU DON'T FIRE A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

NO YOU DON'T

AM I TALKING TO A CHILD OR A MAN?

YOU DON'T FIRE A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

I SAW THE RAGE IN YOUR EYES

AND THE THRILL

I'VE HAD THAT RAGE

I DIDN'T SHOOT A GUN

I DON'T HAVE A GUN

I DON'T THINK I'D HAVE DONE THE SAME

BUT I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE

FUCK NO, I WOULD NOT HAVE FIRED

FIVE TIMES

BLAM

I'LL FIRE AGAIN

BLAM

I'LL FIRE AGAIN

BLAM

I'LL KILL YOU

BLAM

I'LL KILL ANYONE IN RANGE

BLAM

I'LL KILL A GRANDMOTHER OR A CHILD OR THE MOST EVIL PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO STILL DOESN'T DESERVE TO DIE FROM A RANDOM BULLET

AM I TALKING TO A CHILD OR A MAN?

DO YOU SEE WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND?

I NEVER WANTED TO SEE A MUZZLE FLASH

I NEVER WANTED TO SEE A MAN'S EYES AS HE EXACTED HIS REVENGE

I NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANYONE FIRE A GUN

AT A RANGE

IN A WAR

ON AMSTERDAM AVENUE BETWEEN 108TH AND 109TH STREET

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU BACKING UP AS YOU FIRED YOU FUCKING COWARD

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU RUN AWAY YOU FUCKING COWARD

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU COLLIDE WITH A RANDOM PEDESTRIAN ON THE CORNER AND FALL TO THE GROUND

I WANTED THE POLICE TO CATCH YOU

I WILL IDENTIFY YOU

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

YOU DON'T USE A GUN

YOU DON'T USE A GUN

YOU DON'T USE A GUN

YOU DON'T USE A GUN

YOU DON'T USE A GUN

YOU DON'T FIRE A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

I WATCHED YOU SHOOT

I RAN ACROSS THE STREET THEN LOOKED BACK AND SAW 10 PEOPLE LYING ON THE GROUND LIKE A STRIKE

WHEN I SAW THIS, I RAN BACK, BUT THEN WHEN I SAW YOU DISAPPEAR I RAN TOWARD THE BODY

THERE WAS NO BODY

I WAS GLAD THERE WAS NO BODY

I WAS GOING TO TEAR MY SHIRT OFF AND TEND THE WOUND

WHY DID YOU SHOOT THE CHINESE MAN?

WHY DID YOU HAVE A GUN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

YOU DON'T FIRE A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING

I SAW YOUR EYES WHEN YOU SHOT

THEY WERE WILD

THEY COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU WERE DOING

THEY LOVED IT

YOU ARE CRUEL

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE

YOU WERE READY TO TAKE A LIFE

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT POWER

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT POWER

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT POWER

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT POWER

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT POWER

DON'T YOU SEE?

I WANTED TO TO TEND TO THE VICTIM

I WANTED TO SHRED YOU

HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?

HOW CAN YOU FIRE FIVE TIMES?

BANG

I'M OUT OF CONTROL

BANG

I WANT YOU TO DIE

BANG

AM I REALLY DOING THIS

BANG

YES I AM

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Friday, January 20, 2006

Paul Motian

Ben Ratliff from the New York Times sits around listening to CDs with drummer Paul Motian, a craftsman who can enthusiastically explain the details of his craft without boring you (see Walter Murch).

A good day to pick up Waltz for Debby, Bill Evans's live 1961 album from the Village Vanguard with Motian and Scott LaFaro.

moving

Amazon, you sure know how to make a guy feel old.

Friday, January 13, 2006

cultchuh

My top ten for 2005 is up at Peek Review, as well as those of many other Baltimorons.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Hotel Bars

Why did we drink whiskey?
What made you want to touch my leg?

If I were him I'd want to shoot me,
Mangle, thrash, electrocute me.

Yet, he thinks of others who would
Tie him up in twine and lace
And bite his face.

It's true: there are some things that we just
Oughtn't do but must.

Didion, Zevon, and Pryor

In one day, I listened to Warren Zevon's The Wind, watched Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip, and finished reading Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking.

All three were reckoning with sickness and death--Didion with the sudden death of her husband and the near-fatal illness of her daughter (who would die not much later), Zevon with his own impending death (partly his own doing), and Pryor with the near-death experience of catching on fire while freebasing (definitely his own doing).

Didion lets us feel the grief put the ache in her bones, but she still comes off as guarded. At the end, she writes, "As I write this I realize that I do not want to finish this account." Zevon is cryptic, never directly addressing death, but singing in constant metaphor and moaning "open up" under his own voice on "Knocking on Heaven's Door." Pryor's approach to death is kind of like cow-tipping--he strikes it square, but runs away and lets us see him shake.

All three seem cowed, like they recognize some chink in the armor of their will that won't let them fight. Didion cites statistics on the discouraging mortality rate among widows. Zevon, if you listen to his other albums after 2000, saw it coming all along. You could just look at Pryor and know he wasn't going to see his seventies.

Sometimes I think about what it's going to be like to lose someone close, whether family or friends, expected or unexpected. And I think that the experience will drive it home for me that I won't be around forever, that I need to shake the last bit of teenage immortality that I've kept around like a relic.

But after Zevon, Didion, and Pryor, I realize that it is not the recently departed who make me feel more mortal than I'd like. It is those who are still here, who see it coming, and who put your hand to backs of their necks to feel the cold, rising condensation of death's icy breath.

It's tough enough to let down your guard when you're young and healthy. I can't imagine being in their situation and inviting the world in to see.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Synaptic dominoes

The chair of life has no back.

LEAN!
HANDSTAND!
LOWRIDER HIGHSPIDER!

Risktaker-procrastinators love clocks but hate watches.

Cloacal clocks for the amphibious timeteller.

Smeller feller reaping rinds
Of helter skelter
Steel-belted
Radial fires.

duuuuuuuuuck


duuuuuuuuuuck


duuuuuuuuuuuuck

duck

duck

duuuuuuuuuuuuuck









PROUST!

Long Division


Earth crosses the start/finish line, 365 days. Mark it.
Sun reaches Empty, pirouettes, shuffles toward 1/2, on toward Full, 3 months, 3 months, 3 months. Mark it, mark it, mark it.
Moon sliver, nothing, sliver, 28 days. Mark it.
Sun returns, 24 hours. Mark it.
Get this pile off my desk, 8 hours. Mark it.
Time for another cigarette, 1 hour. Mark it.
Another round? 30 minutes. Mark it.
The next this, assign your own time. Mark it.
The next that, assign your own time. Mark it.
This little piggy went down to the. Store.

Bills, gifts, bloody walls,
Bells, semesters, lecture halls.
Tick tock tick tock, mark 'em alls.

What about marking nothing?
What's next?
Nothing.
That's when they decide you're crazy.